and maybe the lack of being able to express all the bottled up thoughts in my head is why I’m back to this weird and phased out mood.
I feel detached from everything again. Everything I thought I cared about and was passionate for, just dosen’t seem to exist. Realising things weren’t as perfect as you thought. Being able to take a step back and see things for what they are. Not the black and white view I seem to live in.
I feel like I don’t know who I am again. I believed I had it all figured out this time. Had finally found some answers. But now I’m back to base 1. Back to not being able to fully connect to anyone. Not able to just let go and enjoy the things around me.
The thoughts I had locked up and stored at the back of my mind have returned to haunt me. All the old problems back for me to face. But this time, I don’t have the usual escape routes. I don’t have the same releases. I don’t even have him anymore to listen to me open my mind and spill everything I’m feeling.
And I guess that’s what I miss the most. Having someone to completely open up to. To be able to just empty all these thoughts out to, to help drain all the negative and venom that seems to be flowing round my veins right now. To sit there and have someone call me out on all this shit. Help me face up to reality.
'cos right now, the line between reality and the make believe in my mind is pretty thin.
1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.
2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.
3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.
4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.
5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.
6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.
7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.
8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.
9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.
10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.
Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up.
You know, ever since I first met him, I always thought, ‘Man, I hope I don’t mess this up.’ Because that’s what I do. I mess things up. But you know what I never thought? I never thought ‘I hope this doesn’t mess me up’.
it thoroughly pisses me off that a woman’s period is not a valid excuse for her to miss work, school, family events, etc. i mean, depending on the person, women can experience anything from headaches to vomiting to excruciating uterine pain to back pain to fevers to nausea to severe breast tenderness to every fucking body pain imaginable and yet in our society, “i have my period” is not acceptable merely because it happens every month.